When it comes to New Year resolution, everyone makes it and every does not care much before breaking it.
This gives birth to a huge scope for New Year resolution jokes. The New Year resolution jokes are funny and fascinating.
You can find a number of good New Year resolution jokes online. Some best New Year resolution jokes are as mentioned below:
Funny New Year resolution jokes:
Going to Church Resolution:
2010: I will go to church every Sunday.
2011: I will go to church as often as possible.
2012: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2013: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Weight Loss Resolution:
2007: I will get my weight down below 180.
2008: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2010: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out 5 days a week.
2012: I will work out 3 days a week.
2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year’s Resolutions You Have No Chance at Keeping
- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”
- Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
- I will try to figure out why I “really” need 5 facebook accounts.
- I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
- Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
- I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
- I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
- I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
- Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
- Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
- I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.
- I will think of a password other than “password”
New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
- Read less.
- I want to gain weight.
- Put on at least 30 pounds.
- I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
- Watch less T.V. in standard definition.
- Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
- Watch more movie remakes.
- Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
- Procrastinate more.
- I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
- I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
- Drink some more.
- Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because Amazon has better specials.
- Start being superstitious.
- Spend more time at work.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
New Year’s Resolutions One Liner Jokes:
- A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
- New Year’s Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
- My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
- I’m getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
- My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
- I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
- If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
- This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
- My New Year’s Resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
- May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions?
- My 2015 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.