18 Smart Jokes That Will Make You Sound Intelligent

• Bhavini


• 25 May 2015

If you like impressing people with your witty statements and one-liners, here are some really smart jokes that you can use.

1. 1. A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
   2. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
   3. How easy is it to count in binary?
      It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
   4. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!
   5. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
   “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
   The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
7. Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
8. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
9. I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.
10. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
11. A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
12. Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
13. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
14. A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
15. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
16. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
17. There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
18. Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
    He said, “Nobody loves me.”
    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.